I know my level of spiritual understanding is no longer as deep as it once was. I was only allowed a brief, all-encompassing, and peace-filled glimpse behind the curtain before I was released back into the white-water river of my current life. My certainty of faith that used to burn from my very core, breathing in and out its effusive and everlasting bright susurration of warmth, is only a memory now. But the memory is still strong enough to cling to, still strong enough to renew my faith whenever I feel I’ve faltered. And lately, I’ve faltered. I found myself reaching back into my past for those moments when I felt God right there with me, holding me, whispering in my ear and straight into my heart that I am not alone, that I was never alone. Those moments… dear God, those moments were so intense and so damn fulfilling. It’s like He knew I would need them as the anchors they’ve become in my soul to keep me grounded when all the world around me tries to break me in twain.
I remember those whispers, those promises of deep and abiding love filling me to the brim and over-flowing my cup. Those whispers helping me to breathe as I speak them to myself in a calming mantra, allowing the words to coalesce into a whirlpool of delightful and re-energizing colors that wash away the guilt, anger, frustration, and bone-deep weariness. They fill me as an endless wave of light down from the Devine Heavens and up from the root of Mother Earth herself. I feel more renewed, with each breath, as the old energy sloughs away, and the new fills me up.
I Am I Am One I AM whole I Am loved I Am
It amazes me how as one trauma is healed, it’s really only peeling back a layer to see what lies beneath. Most often, finding another layer of trauma that needs healing. I understand I’ve asked for this, but even though it’s what I think I want, I’m usually never as prepared for it as I think I am. I’ve come to a point in my life where I’m now staring down the barrel of my childhood trauma and what that actually means for my present circumstances and relationships. It’s a very uncomfortable place to be…, and I’ve been stuck here for months now… UGH… it’s like I’m standing in mud wrought with clay, unable to pull my feet out for fear of losing my shoe.
“It’s time to let go of the shoe, Kimberly. I know it’s an expensive, name-brand, shoe and you worked really hard to buy such exquisite and beautiful footwear, but it’s time. Lose the shoe.”My Higher Self
As I chuckle ruefully at my Higher Self’s use of a very on-the-nose analogy, I take stock and allow myself a moment of vulnerability and eventual clarity. Yes, I have every right to be angry at those who have abused me and shaped my life thusly. Yes, I have every right to scream and cry at the unfairness of it all. And yes, I most certainly have the right to sit and splutter like a toddler having the most epic of all tantrums, but what I don’t have the right to do is place blame onto those who have abused me. All that does is transfer the negative energy, which just gets thrown back into my face karmically. No, the best way to handle this type of trauma is to acknowledge that all pain received is just a recycling of old pain given; whether by you or another, it doesn’t matter. All that matters is we stop recycling pain, and the best way to do that is through forgiveness.
Forgiveness is the feather to balance out the heavy tread of pain in our hearts.
By choosing to forgive those who have trespassed against us, we choose to let go of the pain we have held onto and nourished with our anger and frustration. All those years of solidly building up a case against those we blame for our current circumstances and then using that mangled energy to sharpen and define who we are as a person. Molding oneself into the mighty, ass-kicking, holds-no-bar sexy diva that we are, only to understand that we became this person in spite and nothing more. Well, it sure does knock the air out of one’s over-inflated tires <ahem> …ego. *sheesh* Shoe well and truly dropped.
I find myself at a loss. It’s like I don’t truly know who I am anymore. If I wasn’t who I thought I was, but only a version of someone else’s endlessly recycled trauma, then who the f*ck am I?
I Am I Am One I AM whole I Am loved I Am
I Am those whispers, those promises of deep and abiding love filling me to the brim and over-flowing my cup. I Am those whispers helping me breathe as I speak them to myself in a calming mantra, allowing the words to coalesce into a whirlpool of delightful and re-energizing colors that wash away the guilt, anger, frustration, and bone-deep weariness. They fill me as an endless wave of light down from the Devine Heavens and up from the root of Mother Earth herself. I feel more renewed, with each breath, as the old energy sloughs away, and the new fills me up.
I Am a better and newer version of who I was one breath ago I Am renewed and capable of Being the Me I wish to Be at any moment; at this moment and the next I Am who I Am in this breath and the next forever and evermore and that is all I need to Be I AM ME
Remember, you are loved. ❤