I feel like I’m finally coming out of an emotional fog. At least this time, my awakening doesn’t seem to be on fast forward, imminently pushed further and further down a darkened rabbit hole. It feels different now, like a leisurely boat ride in the late summer, flowing down a lazy river. Allowed the choice of which fork to take instead of being foisted upon each split like a white water ride gone terribly wrong. Whether or not these last three years were due to my Bipolarism rearing its ugly head or just deeper truths that were finally able to float toward the surface of my life is hard to say. At least this time, my life and those lives I affect benefited from these latest round of choices rather than hurting them.
Thankfully this newest episode did not take a tragic turn due to the years of therapy and self-care of which I’ve made a consistent priority over the last decade of my life. I learned to use these new techniques, which built a solid foundation of reliable resources, to turn the tide during life’s complexities. I know with a certainty this was the only way I came out the other side, slightly scathed yet open to SEEing the mistakes I made and why I made them. And despite how hard it was to pull myself and my family through it, I’m grateful for the experience. Because no matter how much growth you think you’ve gained over the years, the Universe will always test us to see if we’re ready for that growth.
I had thought I learned to let love and vulnerability lead me when it was actually fear: fear of being alone, fear of rejection, fear of abandonment. Instead of heeding my own words and sitting in my anxiety and tasting it, really understanding and accepting it for what it was, and then letting go, I fused to it and held on for dear life. I allowed it to make my choices instead of seeing it for what it was and leading me toward the deeper problem which was rooted and enfolded, layer upon layer of past trauma. And like a moth to a flame, I ended up attracting that trauma right back to me.
The Law of Attraction states we attract that which we focus upon.
It’s a testament to how much growth I have achieved thus far, making that choice to end the relationship and relieve my family of its toxicity. The first time I faced this choice 20 years ago, I couldn’t make the right one. I was living too deep under and drowning within my trauma that I chose to subject myself to it for years rather than face my fears. This time it was different. I was able to rise above the trauma and see it for what it was. I was finally able to breathe and tread the murky waters of emotional stress to find headway towards a healthy conclusion. Now I’m able to shamelessly admit my issues with abandonment, co-dependency, and coming to terms with my understanding of the abuse I lived through. One has no idea the overwhelming feelings of weightlessness and pure joy that comes with the release of a long-held secret you didn’t even know you had.
I highly recommend therapy of any kind, whatever works best for you.
I highly recommend therapy of any kind, whatever works best for you. Whether it be art therapy, animal therapy, spiritual therapy, or talk therapy, howsoever it shows up is the best way to come to grips with anything that feels out of your control. Of course, the ultimate truth to life is there is no such thing as controlling one’s life. Only controlling your reactions to life, and being able to live with that truth is the true success story.
Living with my truth shows up as being able to forgive those who trespass against me so that I am no longer controlled by the circumstances surrounding my trauma and breaking that endless recycling of karma for good and all. Of course, those are my next steps after admitting and coming to grips with my lingering emotional wounds. I recently had a reactionary episode that pointed out an active trigger which still needs addressing. It wasn’t a very comfortable moment although, it was pretty revealing. Ah well…, life is an ever-winding staircase of evolution. I can only forgive myself my human-ness, stay aware of the trigger, learn to understand it, and hope to do better next time.
Oh, and I’m dreaming again! Or rather, I remember my dreams again, which is a warm comfort. I lost the gift of remembering when I fell asleep to relive my Karma. For years I depended on them as a resource for self-gauging my emotional status when talk therapy or meditation doesn’t do the trick. I consider dreams a personal barometer for up-to-date information on our emotional mind’s “Internal Pressure System.” Thanks to years of therapy and “looking within,” reading my dreams feels almost second nature now. I highly countenance it as an exciting means for further self-exploration. Every morning I learn a little more about myself than I knew the night before, and every night I fall asleep worry-free, with absolute confidence in my ability to tread the now clear waters of my emotional psyche’.
My latest dream: I’m driving a car with shoddy breaks. I can feel their sponginess as I depress them. I’m in a parking garage, so we’re moving slow, and it’s not too problematic. There is someone in the passenger seat, an unknown female.
I’m in the driver’s seat now.
My interpretation: I’m in the driver’s seat now, so I’m taking an active role in how my life is progressing, but the breaks are symbolism for my lack of control or fear of losing control. The fact that we’re moving slow means I’m not feeling too overwhelmed, but I should take this feeling as a warning and slow down in real life. I may be doing too much too fast and need to take a break. The unknown female in the passenger seat could be an aspect of myself that I feel is taking too passive a role in my life. Since being a single working mom, she is most likely the symbolism of my motherhood, which has always left me with feelings of not doing or being enough for my children, (which I’ve learned is a common feeling among most single-mothers) but knowing and feeling are two completely different things.
This is great fodder for my next Therapy session. ;p
Until next time my loyal readers. It’s lovely to be back, and I have missed you dearly.
Remember, you are loved. ❤