I haven’t had a relaxing and peaceful moment alone in what has probably only been months, but feels more like years. Sometimes life gets so ahead of itself that I forget to take a much needed break to not only recharge, but reflect and feel gratitude for all that was gifted me.
A few years ago I was primarily focused on removing myself from the world and it’s distractions in order to delve deep within and find who I truly wanted to BEcome. I was done with questions and ready for answers. By this point in my life I knew I needed to be alone and the prospect both frightened and excited me. Apparently the universe knew I needed to be alone too and made life happen in a way that made it easy to move far into a forested mountain and become quiet.
Further minimizing my social and digital footprint to practically nothing, I barely saw any family or friends, except my kids and those that helped me with them. I made it a habit to visit a local Buddhist monastery to learn stillness and how to breathe. In the process learning so much about myself and my needs during such stillness and non-interaction, that it blossomed into a stalwart need to fulfill those subtle requests of mind and spirit I would have never known otherwise. I could feel my heart rejoicing in the freedom of oppressive thoughts and heard a deeper wish for ever more and more freedom!
I created for myself a spiritual quest of finding Self; to fulfill those needs that could only make itself known during the quiescent moments. As boring and lonely as that may seem to a lot of you, it was the best and most eye-opening experience I have ever had. With only the vaguest idea of what my heart and soul needed, I opted to be open for any methodologies in which I could attain clearer answers.
Soon after I found a wellness center that offered very affordable yoga and meditation classes. From the moment I saw their sign hanging in the distance I felt my heart surge with excitement. This was it, more opportunities for stillness, but with integration of the body; for Oneness of mind, spirit, AND body (the Holy Trinity). I took to each class with enthusiastic abandon and no matter how hard and somewhat confusing the initial classes were, I was hopeful and felt faith suffuse my heart with the knowing that I would understand one day, as long as I kept it up.
And as a strong faith always wins out, this one did too. By the end of the first six-week course I found myself “lifting off” and “losing time,” the most common feeling associated with reaching a meditative trance. From that point on I felt life become easier and easier to read. During these trances I heard a calling, a voice-but-not-a-voice, pulling my attention to something more, once again urging me to move on and stay open to whatever that more became.
I knew in my heart I needed more mind/body/spirit counseling; to get more in sync with the natural way of life. In my quest for an ever-expanding knowledge of our world I also noticed a growing sense of our environment. I wanted to hone what my maturing instincts were telling me into something more concrete. My research led me to Reiki and a practitioner that was willing to take me under her wing.
We both knew upon first meeting I had a path that required her guidance. Under her tutelage I graduated up to 2nd Degree Reiki which opened me up to a whole new world of senses I never knew possible. From there she introduced me to Channeling, which is just another form of meditation, and my first group of like-minded spiritual friends on their own, yet similar, quests.
During this time I felt not just my awareness of my own needs expanding, but also that of my loved ones. I sensed a slow increase of different levels of awareness, which seemed to grow out of nowhere. I could now easily read others not of what they thought they needed, but what in my heart, I could truly See they needed; which was acceptance and love of exactly who they were in each and every single moment of their being. Seeing it displayed so brightly now, I had to wonder how I couldn’t see it before. So I endeavored to BE for them the unconditional love they weren’t even consciously aware they were seeking.
Then I noticed a change in the animals surrounding my home. How they would find comfort in and around such a peaceful bit of forest I called home, and were constantly sharing their presence with me, letting me know of their acceptance and wish to be a part of my experience. I found my fondness and understanding towards animals grow ten-fold in this period. My struggle with the world seeing them as food lifted. Released were my anxieties surrounding the social stigma we were conditioned to understand about eating meat, or anything that violently transgressed against nature and her creatures.
No longer was the food on my table or the products in my home an issue since I finally resolved my consumption habits. I felt my long fight with what I put in my body finally lifted into the full Vegan lifestyle my heart craved. All animals were to be cherished as God’s creatures and not abused or oppressed in any way; at least, no longer by my hand. And finally, gone was the guilt for witnessing the abuse or oppression around me and I was able to just BE with others; no longer feeling the negative affectation towards those who still consumed animals. I finally understood that everyone has their own paths, including the animals.
I felt such a surge of new strength and understanding in my humble and soft transitioning, I knew I was ready to face the harder truths and fears of my life, and once again I moved on. It was time to inject myself back into the fold of secular life and apply all the new tools I gained for my toolbox of social surfing. And man did I surf, or should I say poled! I rode pole after pole of what I once saw as indomitable feats and conquered practically every fear I felt worthy of needing change.
Yes, it was mind-numbingly scary AF sometimes, but I made it through and I’m loving where I am in life now. I’m loving how far I’ve come in comparison to where I was. I’m loving the confidence infused in me that I knew was always there, but had the hardest time finding. I’m in love with my new found ability to see fear, or any emotion really, as a guide post for change or understanding. And I’m most especially in love with the way the Universe and I work as a team now, since I can hear her call so much easier than before. Like today.
Today she told me it was a good day to write and be thankful, for life is never done living and I have ever more lessons to learn. But before one can move on, one must acknowledge all that she’s learned in order for the Universe to know she is ready. And so it is. Onto the next adventure.