“The winter solstice has always been special to me as a barren darkness that gives birth to a verdant future beyond imagination, a time of pain and withdrawal that produces something joyfully inconceivable, like a monarch butterfly masterfully extracting itself from the confines of its cocoon, bursting forth into unexpected glory.” ~Gary Zukav
Some of you know the reason behind my latest incognito status over the past few months, but most of you have been in the dark. I’m usually quite public about my endeavors, blogging about all of it incessantly; but when it comes to certain parts and times of my life, privacy is a crucial first step. Almost like a caterpillar when it shapes their chrysalis around itself, separating from the world until it’s ready to burst forth a beautifully transformed butterfly.
I went through a lot of shadow work which, as some of you may know, is quite the personal journey and takes all of ones inner-focus to walk through successfully. To prevent distraction, I had to pick and choose that which I still allowed to move through my life and that which I forbade entry. It can be very difficult to do this since we live in chaotic times where everyone and everything is fighting for our attention all day long; as well as having to realize insecurities that prevented letting go of that which no longer serves our highest good.
The need for cocooning myself from the world comes upon me in different ways; sometimes in unaware defense of something I’m not yet ready to face or for proactive, necessary, and self-aware reasons. This time my cocoon was intentionally sealed tight, tighter than I ever felt the need before. A necessity for the amount of concentration and strength I needed in order to pull through as self-aware as possible. And with this insightful and strength-infusing message I was able to face one of the biggest fears of my life — Myself.
Release and let go problems that are not yours and transgressions made against you; forgive them their ignorances, and continue to move forward. Those that understand will understand and those that do not, will not. Those that are necessary for your growth will be available when you need them to be and those that are not, will not. All is well and as it should be. ~Spirit
This particular part of my journey started last year during a spiritual exchange of energies between myself and those of my spiritual group. We were asked to go shopping with our hearts open and come back with whatever it was our inner-selves wished to gift our outer-selves. In other words, what was that one secret, inner-desire we have always wished to fulfill, but our outer-selves always stopped us, for reasons too annoyingly multitudinous (mostly egoic) to mention?
Some came back with expensive baubles, children’s toys, rare and priceless antiques too delicate or heavy to transport so they brought a picture instead. Others thought their shopping endeavors a failure, but soon realized in the telling of their experience, they came instead with an enlightening story that engaged all of us. I had neither. I actually forgot to do the exercise; which was disheartening to say the least, but my inner-voice had other knowledge.
During opening meditation I heard my inner-voice remind me about how I finally made that phone call I’d been dying to make for years and set my first date for class. I questioned if this was really the thing I bought myself since I hadn’t even paid for it yet, but the answer came back viscerally clear. I could feel its immense rightness as it settled within my heart and sped up my pulse in excitement.
My inner-voice whispered, “How long have we stayed from doing this? How much have we teased our self with the fantasy only to dash our own hopes on preconceived judgments from family and friends? How easily does our heart flutter and speed up whenever faced with those that have accomplished that which we’ve only dreamed?” And with a small catch in my breath I whispered back, “yes…, yes of course,” and opened my eyes to share my own enlightening and engaging story.
Training within the Aerial Arts and among other amazingly strong and graceful Aerial Artists has reshaped my entire perspective on possibilities that I once only thought of as impossibilities. At times my struggles within the studio reflected my struggles without. It was actually quite interesting how congruent and paralleled life always seemed to play out.
During the beginning of my training, I remember having a particularly hard time with learning anything, even the basic moves. It surpassed my current physical strength. One night I almost gave up from sheer frustration; being unable to manifest in the physical that which my heart sought in the ethereal. Then that same night, home amidst the stew of my somewhat negative self-talk, I received a message from a friend who was pounding her head against a wall trying to resolve a conflict between herself and a loved one.
I almost didn’t answer because I was too caught up in my own emotions to want to deal with another, but I felt a particular pull by Spirit that insisted I make an effort. Reminding myself to step outside of my own emotions, breathe deeply, and walk lightly, I answered her as easily as I would my own children. And in my efforts to help, I realized my answer to her problem was the same answer I needed for my own.
How often does life line up so perfectly?
Almost all the time truly, but how often are we aware enough to bear witness to it’s teachings? I explained to her sometimes when we feel we’ve come up against a wall in our efforts to “fix” something, it’s more often than not there is nothing wrong to begin with. It is our own perception and the idea that we think “it’s wrong” that’s the problem.
I asked her to attempt to see the “problem” from her loved one’s perspective and in doing so she realized that maybe she was being too harsh and expecting too much. In the end she worked on releasing her own expectations and her relationship just magically started to repair itself!
Once I realized the same for myself and released my own expectations, my “struggles” with learning pole magically started to dissipate and I enjoyed the process even more. It may have been slower than I wanted, but I could see that I was progressing and becoming stronger in my sure and steady efforts. Soon enough, I found myself upside down and tackling new pole tricks with gleeful abandon!
Can you see how life allows you opportunities for learning, bringing those into your life when you need them? I enjoy life more now being able to see such “coincidences” clearly and then applying them as laid out by Spirit. In helping others, I was able to get out of my own way and help myself. ❤
This entire year has been a whirlwind of pain, excitement, physical and mental exhaustion, new discoveries, and finally overcoming and triumph. Personally, I had never felt a deeper and abiding fulfillment within my whole existence before. During such a trying time I was pushed and pulled into many different circumstances. Each of them connected to my soul mission in such a way as to show me that, “yes, I’m seeing clearly,” and “yes, this is part of my journey, keep moving forward.”
Sometimes my path brought me pain and confusion other times happiness and contentment; but as all things, I have learned that emotions are a temporary and fitful construct. Capable of giving us everything we’ve always wanted or taking away that which we thought we always needed. Only ever dependent upon our own powerful reactions and how we utilize such tools within our arsenal of life.
Within my arsenal, love was found and a lesson learned. Friendships were gained, renewed, or ended; but encouragement given to stay my path and allow them to stay theirs, even if our journeys never intersected again. Even a dear and precious life was nearly lost, but an opportunity for truth and open acceptance was seen and taken, bonds were strengthened within the presence of time made utterly clear. Long-hidden hearts we’re finally given a voice, heard clearly for the first time in years, which marked the start of a new beginnings for everyone.
I can’t begin to describe how unbelievably hard this journey has been excepting to reference The Iliad or Odyssey and Odysseus’ constant battle for safety and home; with each battle won and trial overcome it was one step closer to his goal. The hope one see’s when the horizon of Home is finally recognized, can infuse new life into an entire group of people, as if everyone was being born again at the exact same time. It is beauty incarnate to witness and I am ever so thankful to be a part of its rebirth into love and acceptance of not just myself, but those around me.
Aerial Arts training, or Pole Dancing, has done more than just put me on a straight and unbelievably clear earthly path for spiritual growth, it has also helped ground me in the present when life becomes too overwhelming to contemplate. There is nothing like losing yourself in a new found passion to help you remember that no matter what happens, life is an experience and a never ending lesson in Love, all love.
I’ve finally learned a crucial aspect of Love with learning how to love myself first by forgiving my own transgressions. I never understood how I hurt myself until I finally fell in love with who I was and realized I had starved my own heart due to the fear of who I wanted to Become versus who I thought everyone else wanted me to be. That hole in my heart I thought I needed someone else to fill was no longer empty because I finally figured out how to fill it entirely on my own.
I have fallen in love with myself and my vessel in a way I’ve never appreciated before. The amount of physical muscle and emotional strength I’ve gained and never had in my life; I’m healthier now than I ever was before. Along with this new found strength has come a new sense of personal confidence not only in my body, but in my heart and soul as well.
We have lived valiantly, side-by-side, this vessel and my spirit; together as one, holding each other up when one or the other falls; continuing to do so until we move on to our next life or ascend. Through our trials we have gained trust and faith in one another and life. Through our triumphs we have soared above the fields of chaos and thrived among the flocks of those still asleep.
From now until eternity I have found the still waters deep within me that hold and nurture my purest of essences, so that I may share it wholeheartedly with our world. I no longer feel ashamed to be exactly who I Am, which is to say I am not ashamed to admit that one aspect of my life is a very happy and fulfilled Pole Dancer! The rest of me is just plain happy to have found her whole self again and revels in our reunion!
I dance into the new year, spreading my light of happiness and love on those wishing to bask with me in glory. No longer do I squelch my inner-voice, it’s wants and desires. I AM who I AM and no longer do I fear being alone because I finally trust that those whom I need by my side will be, and those that I don’t, won’t.
All is as it should be. So be it.
The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: He leadeth me beside the still waters. He restoreth my soul: He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for His name’s sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.~Psalm 23 (KJV)
Remember, you are loved, and we are One. ❤
In gratitude I will always lead my life and breathe in the soft and abundant love of all that surrounds me while I grow and transform into that which is who I AM.~Me