From the moment of my first breath I have felt more-than me and by “more-than” I mean I have always felt the energy and emotional output of others in and around my life on top of my own. I have always thought all of it was me until I found out about the concept of “Being Empathic.” I had thought what I was feeling was what everyone else felt and the reason why my life was so confusing was because I had an emotional disability the world called Bipolarism. Life seemed easier for everyone else and I just happened to draw the short stick when it came to coping.
Now I understand, and not just on an intellectual level anymore, but viscerally. It is no longer a choice of “Am I Empathic or Bipolar?” because I understand that I am both. They are the exact same words spoken in two different languages. In one language man is speaking from the perspective that we are separate from God/Source/Spirit and the word is used to describe a deficiency or lack of full spectrum understanding in and around an “emotional instability.” Due to the perspective in which our society as a whole has accepted into our conscious collective, or reality, our mind/body/spirit connections are, to our detriment, perceived separately. So segregated is our philosophy of medical treatment that all we end up doing is making things worse because we prevent ourselves from realizing there is an entire part of us that isn’t brought into the formula of human living.
In another language, that of spirituality I am learning now, where the separation of God/Source/Spirit is only an illusion we created for ourselves, the same word is used to describe the root cause of how a person can become energetically unbalanced or overwhelmed due to their “more than normal” sensitivity to their environment. From this other spiritual perspective we have an open acceptance that there actually IS a root cause for this and can be healed through spiritual understanding of mind/body/spirit connections. Finally I understand completely and it’s all thanks to my mentor, other spiritually minded friends who have supported me in my growth, and this amazing little game called “The Tree Game.”
For those of you who still have yet to play this game it’s an exercise in energetic neutrality where everyone in the room stands in a circle and one person sits in the middle. Everyone standing in the circle commits to their “Tree,” or being neutral with their energy, at the same time and one person in the middle experiences what it feels like to sit within this energy shift. I was the last one to play and only in the center for a quick few seconds, but that small window of time threw my entire life on playback and ignited my human process again (Woohoo! Let’s go!).
Those tiny, yet precious seconds, where everyone gifted me with their blessings of “Being Tree,” (pulling all of their energy back into their own personal space of neutrality and consciously unhooking themselves from me of their own accord), allowed me to see all of me and take a complete and unencumbered breath for the first time in my entire life! It was just a snapshot of me, like the lens of a camera quickly blinking open and shut within a millisecond of time, but in that moment my life solidified around me into a blossoming of understanding I never had before!
I’d never realized how deep everyone’s attachments actually went until they were finally gone. I thought I was only feeling everyone as tingles just below the skin, but realized they were inside every cell of my being, invasively so, and everywhere within and throughout my energy body. Suddenly, it hit me that I had become so used to always feeling everyone all the time that I just accepted all of it as me in order to cope and stay sane.
Dear lord, the glorious sensation of breathing just for me and no one else was magically exquisite! It was like a weight was removed from my chest; the constant churning in my stomach had ceased, the incessant feeling of ants crawling all over my skin (and sometimes under it) went away, my heart only beat for me now (no more palpitations or double-beats), and the buzzing feeling in my head that tended to fog my thinking dissipated. I was finally alone in my own body and there was sooooo much space!
I wanted to take another breath to make sure I wasn’t dreaming, but then everyone stopped “Being Tree” and I was once again bombarded with everyone’s “stuff” again. This time actually feeling the energetic blanket of warm familiarity thrown over my head and body. Once again feeling thicker and heavier than ever before due to the new perspective of what it felt like to not have a blanket draped over me at all. It was slightly depressing to say the least, but what felt “normal” and so I went back into coping mode and once again refused to allow it to affect me anymore than “normal.”
On the outside I was full of reserved gratitude and joy for the gift of the experience and newfound perspective, but on the inside I was screaming for more of what I felt, or more precisely, what I didn’t feel. I wanted that sense of calm and peace that overtook me in the solitude of my being and in that desperate yearning I started to feel myself grow this inner-resentment towards everyone for not continuing to hold their own energetic stuff so I didn’t have to deal with it anymore.
I was a confusion of torrential emotion on the brink of collapse and coming into full understanding of why Empaths can go from loving/caring/nurturer to turning on you in the blink of an eye. I mean if we can actually all of us do this State of Neutrality and not be a hindrance to others (most especially other more sensitive Empaths) then why don’t we do this all the time? Why isn’t this THE FIRST thing an Empath is taught?
On the inside I was fuming, but on the outside I was engaging and friendly. I understood that what I was feeling was no one’s immediate fault and endeavored to keep my wounds to myself. I also thanked Mother/Father God for my connection with Them because the whole time I was internally ranting and raving, Sekhmet (my personal Guide) was right there holding and soothing me. Telling me that I was experiencing a very large and unhealed wound. That I’m still processing and to continue to process and have faith for the release will come soon.
The amazing part is, underneath all of the emotional tumult, I fully grasped the enormity of what was experienced and the impact it had on my current perspective was phenomenal. Being able to actually apply the theory of what I intellectually understood into a visceral discernment in which I can finally feel the difference between my own energy and that of others, helped to expand my conscious/psychic awareness of not only myself but those around me; in effect slicing through all of the confusion of “is this me?” to “definitely not me!” This new insight has restored even more hope that I am on my way to no longer needing to cope, but on the sure-fire path to absolutely thriving!
Thriving so well in fact that faith has been easy to have lately and so I listened to my Guidance without any resistance, calmed myself, and it happened exactly as she said it would. I didn’t even have to wait long. After a night out unwinding with a friend I came home and meditated on what I learned and asked Sekhmet if there was anything more I needed to see or do. The first thing she said was I needed to write and share my experience with all of you.
That in my writing I would complete my process and not only express my utter truth of a lifetime of repressed hurt and confusion, but also ecstasy in the reliving and emotional fermentation of my neutrality experience, joy in the easy trust of allowing this human process to happen, and then finally release and letting go into a heaping, blubbering mess! Ahhhhh…, it felt wonderfully relieving to cry my healing tears and feel the space it was making within me being filled with glorious light of understanding and love!
To be able to come into my own neutrality and understand that what I went through, what I still continue to go through (what all of us still experience) are the growing pains of necessity. Had I not experienced the hardships of my life in the exact Divine Order of which I lived it, that I would NEVER have perceived such a life-altering contrast in the moment of this experience (also, to understand that I expressly asked for this experience). I asked for this pain to happen for I knew the resulting end-perception and equal measure in healing strength would bolster me into this new light of my life!
I now have a new goal to reach with my education and that is, Neutrality! I will endeavor to always “Try to be Neutral” with everyone in my space so that I won’t hinder them or myself in our growth in any way! For it is a glorious gift to give unto others and in my book THE ULTIMATE GIFT EVER — the space to grow!
Also, FYI, Skunk crossed my path TWICE on my way home today and didn’t spray, just said hello. When Skunk crosses your path it means:
You are being presented with the perfect opportunity to become more confident in your interactions with others. Know that you are able to meet life’s challenges with a calm and peaceful heart and that you have the respect you require to get to where you wish to be. Walking your talk is the only way to set the example for others and to respect yourself and your own belief’s.
Alternatively Skunk may be letting you know that you do have the courage and will power to raise a stink to right a wrong. Justice needs to prevail at this time. Just remember that Skunk does not need to spray to be powerful – his reputation precedes him. Just stand your ground calmly and with confidence.
Thank you Skunk. I have received your message and thank you kindly for your confidence!
Remember, we are all loved!