I read something the other day which was written by a friend whose clearly under the influence of a strong connection with his guidance. His words hit me to the quick with such thoroughly debilitating force, I sat there motionless and stunned for what seemed like an eternity; trying to process why his words had brought my world to a complete and sudden halt in a matter of seconds. He wrote:
I keep getting thoughts about silent screams. For all those with heavy thoughts slowing you down from the sheer weight of silence. Sometimes the best plan for depression and fear comes from releasing the inner pressure of trapped thoughts spinning within our heads. Yet our first instinct is to protect our thoughts through silence and isolation. But when we turn our thoughts and our eyes away from the people we think we are trying to save from seeing our fears we often don’t see the helping hand reaching out to us at that moment. It’s only when we decide to share our troubles that we can reach out to meet the helping hands halfway that we then can go all the way into being embraced by those who care.
First, I was completely dumbfounded within this state of integrating limbo. Feeling the depth of words barely processed, I reread the message over and over again; desperate for comprehension, but only feeling a wide expanse of nothingness, with a hint of terror. Each time feeling a growing heaviness in my gut, but not understanding why.
What emotion is this? Why am I reacting in such an instinctual way? What are my emotions trying to tell me? How can I be so confused? I’m usually quite certain of how I feel almost every moment of my life. I guess this was one of those moments that I didn’t…
I thought everything was fine. Yes, these last few weeks have been a bit of a trial with my family going through a dramatic and emotional upheaval, but I thought I was handling everything pretty dang well. In these past few posts I wrote about how things with my brother have stood and how Guidance was helping me and my family cope. Things have finally come to a head and being confronted by this family drama repeatedly for years, this time I was determined to handle it as lovingly and steadfast as I could. After all, I have Spirit guiding me now and I no longer fall prey to the fear I fell pray to before.
Without going into too much detail, and to allow my brother some modicum of privacy, I will only say his illusionment with reality and consistent stubborn refusal to seek medical assistance finally landed him from the boiling pot into the frying pan. Needless to say, the notification from my mother wasn’t at all unexpected but one can never really be fully prepared no matter how pragmatic about life and its lessons.
My composure throughout the entire experience pulled me into a kind of leadership role I never held before, and it felt… well, it felt quite annoying AND endearing at the same time. I expected at least one or two other family members to at least want to take the lead and was surprised when I belatedly realized everyone was waiting on me to do so. I never knew my words could hold so much sway. It was a testament to our family growth how we were able to give and receive between one another without any misstep or blown ego getting in the way.
I love my family, and yes I have a tendency to lose patience all too easily with them. They know all of my hot-buttons and press them naturally, but this time I actually saw how lost we all seemed. Deciding to trust my Spirit Guides had my back, I took their hands and hearts and lead them down a path of love and self-perseverance. We labored and prayed together and throughout all of the pain I believe we finally learned how to cope and support one another during grievously stressful times. Believe me, we have had so many since before I was born, and continue to persevere through all of them, that I have a finely-tuned gauge on which ones we came out on top and which one’s we could have done with a bit more help.
So knowing this, I still continued to wonder why these written words stood out to me in such stark-naked pain. Pain in which I couldn’t relate except in a third-person type of way. After all, we got through the hardest part already and now it’s just a matter of staying the course. Why were all of my red flags dinging and why couldn’t I find the source? Why…, why…, why?! The more I questioned, the heavier the pall in my gut, and an old familiar ex-lover, named Anxiety, peeked her dark head around the corners of my psyche’.
The terror of seeing her come back into my space of peace and serenity bolted me out of my chair and into frantic pacing! Why was she back?! Who told her to come here?! I broke up with her so long ago! She should be long gone by now! Why was she back?!
Once again it was like time stood dramatically still and I could hear the tiniest pin drop from a mile away. I also started to hear whimpering and barely-there keening…, like a tea-kettle at its boiling point, but two rooms away. I looked up from my frantic pacing, trying to hear where the sounds were coming from, but for the life of me I couldn’t decipher its position. Everything started to feel so cloudy with the beginnings of a headache and building pressure in my throat and chest made me finally realize I was the one making those noises!
Reality slapped me ever so eagerly in the face and time resumed. With the turning of the secondhand I finally felt ALL of the pain and hidden hurts I had automatically closeted out of habit. The pain of a lost little girl looking to her big brother for protection. The suffering of a lonely and wayward child finding respite in the antics of her older sibling. The tears of a young and broken heart soothed by the love and quirky devotion of her only brother; who divulged his softer side in the most unexpected and heartfelt moments. We’ve been through so much together; so much pain and so much love. Why should this time be any different? Why aren’t we together now?
Why aren’t we together now…? That was it! The key question to unlocking this building pressure storm of silent screaming that’s been happening inside of me this entire time! Once again coming to understand a pattern of behavior that needs to be put away for good. It’s okay to be strong while face to face with a dragon breathing down your neck, but its also okay to fall to pieces once that dragon finally turns away. It was almost like I could hear the click of a lock unlatching and just like that, the water breaks and so does my silence…
It wasn’t enough to just cry and let the tears flow. The pain and torrential pressure behind it was so much that I had to scream it out with every breath, and even then it wasn’t enough! I barely had enough time to take a breath before another scream would catch me and throw me down into the dark abyss of isolation and despair! Scream after horrendous scream would rip right out of me, tearing at the lining of my throat! Making each following scream more hoarse than the one previous! Dear God will it ever end?! This hurts so much! It’s so much! It’s too much!
In blind desperation, through the thickness of heaving sobs, I reached out and up with my heart for the comfort of my Angels and Guides! I begged and pleaded with them to stay with me and never let me go! To hold onto me while I was buffeted by the emotional storm of my regret, grief, loss, resentment, guilt, anger, and despair! Reaching up I placed both of my hands on my heart because the pain was so amazingly deep I was afraid my chest would burst! And for some reason I thought I needed to keep my heart from being wrenched out of me for it felt like a crushing press was bearing down from behind!
I kept crying and screaming and crying and screaming. It felt like the torrent would never end and I would suffocate from lack of breath before I would ever finish purging this pain from me; but then ever so infinitesimally the breaths would start to hitch and slow. The screams would start to falter and fail. And ever so slowly I’d start to come back to myself with the notion that I was surrounded by love and held within an energetic cocoon of supporting grace.
It felt like I was lovingly held in an embrace of nurturing care; an invisible cloud of warm and tingly. It was love. This sensation of BEing “fit like a glove” and I never wanted to be let go. Love was my solace and Love could be my brothers solace too. If only he knew it could be so. I needed to tell him. I needed him to know how much I love him and how much I care. Immediately I closed my eyes and prayed for my brother to hear me and know that I loved him. I sent out thoughts of joy and happiness, of the good times we had before everything went dark. I prayed that he heard me or at least felt a trace inkling of my love, but it wasn’t enough. I had to keep reaching. I had to call him! I had to see him!
I tried calling him but it went straight to voicemail. I left a message telling him how much I loved him and dearly hoped he’d be willing to see me soon, backing it with a follow-up text message hoping that he was safe and warm. Feeling despondent for being unable to confirm my brother’s whereabouts or safety I called my mother (something I never do). I took solace in her voice and in her own experiences with my brother post-drama. She assured me that he was at least safe and warm and will most likely want to see me soon.
Never before have I ever commiserated with my mother’s pain. I’ve always found enabling my mother’s penchant for over-dramatizing a situation to be tiresome and unnecessary, but since it was finally so much like my own I understood how much sharing one’s pain was utterly healing. So I allowed myself to wallow in the hurt with her and found another connection with my mother I had never before experienced. Once again my brother’s darkness has created an opportunity for light to shine and heal.
Once again the awesomeness of our Universe astounds me. Thank you for allowing me the ability to see the light among so much darkness. Thank you for giving me the strength to let go when it was time and surrender to the process that is life. Thank you for always being there when I am in need and for bolstering my faith in You.
My brother may still be miles away from finding his own light and healing that which is necessary for transcendence, but the path he walks now is so obvious to me. He walks it for our family’s growth and healing. His cataclysmic pain is the necessary path to that which all of us walk towards — the Light.
He walks this tortuous path in order to save all of us and I’m so thankful for his devotion and sacrifice. I am grateful for this ability to see that which is so hard to see and accept. I love you dear brother and I understand the change in my life and our family’s lives you are making just by being exactly who you are right now. I love you so much for all that you do and I clearly see that all is as it should be and all will be how it is because it is right, true, and for our highest good. So be it.
Take care, BE Love