The most amazing thing happened to me today. To anyone who has never fallen prey to their own rampant emotions may not be able to relate, and so this may seem like a tale of un-extraordinary lengths; but to those of you who know exactly what I am talking about…
It started as a simple conversation over the phone after a long day of work for myself and school for my teenager. She was at her father’s house and I was in my carpool headed home. I had asked her to attempt to call me when she was next available and we played phone tag for the past couple of days. So when she finally called and I was able to answer, my breath rushed out of me in excitement as I said, “Hey Baby Girl, I’ve missed you so much!”
She returned her “hello” in equal fervor. I could feel her excitement over the phone and the love pouring out from her own quiet and breath-hitched, “Hi Mom, I’ve missed you so much too!” It’s been almost two months since we’ve spent any time together. She’s a Sophomore in High School now and very much integrated in her extra-curricular activities. I know she’s been working tirelessly with her studies, sports, family obligations, and attempting to balance some kind of social life with her friends in-between it all; because that’s just the outgoing, ambitious, and integral type of girl she is, but it worries me when she has to pass on her times with me.
You see, my amazing, super-student/daughter has a weakness, which mostly ends with burn-out. She never allows herself any kind of break or breathing room within that minute-by-minute agenda she’s created for herself. The weekends she has with me are the only times she allows herself to completely “veg out” so to speak. And as I said earlier, we haven’t seen each other in almost two months, when she normally sees me every other weekend. I’m concerned, but try not to let her hear it in my voice by asking her questions about school and her friends. I don’t bring up much more than that because too many other subjects can lead to avenues of past conversations I’ve learned she doesn’t like to speak about; at least not where other ears can hear. My once rambunctious and effusive daughter has turned into an extremely private person with puberty. Understandable, but concerning; I always wonder if this will affect her ability to trust others when she is older…
All in all, the conversation was quick as usual and rather to the point. Too quick for my liking and I let her know in a joking way so she understands that I’m only teasing. I can’t even think of anything else to talk about anyway even though I desperately wished I could. She excuses herself to the never-ending homework she has to do and I ask her if her younger sister is available to talk.
I always look forward to talking to my younger daughter because I never really need to say anything. She’s a talkative 5th grader and as long as I listen intently, she always has so many entertaining stories to share. An open book that one; not at all like her older sister. Such a refreshing change since I tend to be exactly like my oldest, without much to say conversation-wise; although, I’ve always been a good listener.
My youngest, on the other hand, is very much the opposite, but of which I have learned to live by her example more and more everyday. She wears her heart on her sleeve and may be fearful of emotional rejection at times, but is always openly seeking truth and acceptance. And when she finds it, whoa-doggy does the day get brighter with such a sun-shiney soul reflecting all the happiness within and without! She is my guiding star to pure joy! I know she will always find it even in the darkest of times and I pray she never loses that gift.
In the interim of waiting for the phone to be passed along, I overhear them speaking but didn’t catch all of it. Mostly what I caught was my name, which is odd coming from my children’s mouths. I realize quickly that their step-mother must have enforced a new rule that required them to only refer to me by my first name and not, “Mom” when in her presence. Understanding dawns on me swiftly and before I let my oldest transfer the phone I ask her to confirm if what I heard was true. She hesitatingly and uncomfortably admits that yes I heard correctly. Then I unfortunately giggled because I needed to let something out or I was going to pop. Giggling was the best I could come up with that wouldn’t immediately hurt anyone and put my daughter at ease at the same time. I then told her not to worry. That I didn’t need her or her sister to refer to me as their Mother in order for me to know and understand that they know and love me. I quickly said goodbye and infused all the love I could inflect in my voice hoping she heard what I wasn’t saying, which was I understood what was happening and that I didn’t blame her or anyone.
The following conversation with my littlest one wasn’t as relieving as it usually is since my focus on her kept being side-swiped by another of their step-mother’s flawed and selfish reasoning. When I really wanted to concentrate on my daughter’s explanation of what this new game her class played today called Silent Ball consisted of, I kept thinking about how callous and hurtful towards my children their Step-mother can be and if at all she understood the emotional abuse/trauma she was causing. When I wanted to be fully enthralled by my daughters expression of true child-like frustration towards her teacher for a project she hasn’t quite told them about yet, instead I kept thinking about how blind their father seems to be or worse…, accepting of his wife’s exploits towards our children. It was sickening me how easily this woman’s troubling antics have completely detracted me from my ability to enjoy this present moment with my child. So I did the best I could and then had to hang up because dinner was being served.
As soon as I hit the hang-up button my slight irritation immediately ramped up to extreme outrage and anger. My entire body flushed with heat from head to toe and I could no longer see since my eyes were brimming with burning tears. I could feel the emotion boiling from deep within me. An anger so deep and so old its efficacy frightened me. She’s done this among other selfish acts towards me and my children for far too long and once again I have no recourse. Should I consider taking their father to court for a second time? Risk dragging my children into another hostile environment they should never be exposed to to begin with? It was heartbreaking enough the first time. I can’t see myself doing that to them again.
Then to top off my already crappy-cake I get a “snappy” text from their father in response to an earlier text I sent him half a day ago in regards to my request of spending two weekends in a row with the girls (what timing!). Halloween is coming up and they understandably want to spend what was suppose to be my weekend with their friends that live by his house. His reply was positive but he just had to throw in that bit he always does about how I would have to pick them up if I wanted to see them two weekends in a row. He lives over 70 miles away so its a good clip on any given day, especially those days he doesn’t wish to meet me halfway. I almost shot off my own snappy reply that obviously I would pick them up, but I knew I was too angry and that it would be a good idea to cool down first. Also, thoughts of what I’d like to say about his wife were percolating dangerously close to my trigger-happy fingertips.
I come back to myself in a car full of people and realize its gotten unusually quiet. I’m sure it has a lot to do with how hot and heavy the air in the car has suddenly become due to my quiet yet volcanic inner-turmoil. Then thankfully we stop at a Greek fast food joint for dinner and everyone quickly exits the car except me. I immediately place my ear buds in place and Zen the f*** out. My first words are, “Dear Archangel Raphael, heal me from this hurt and help me to gracefully move this anger away from me.” I repeat the prayer like a mantra. Pleading with Source to help me release the boiling rage inside of me. I beg for clarity and understanding of the lesson I’m so obviously being taught within this moment of my life.
The painful fog starts to clear and I see the pattern of my life in this circumstance and how each time I find myself angry at the same two people that the anger is just a disguise for a deeper feeling of helplessness. That my anger is just the preferred, comfortable, and acceptable modality of self-expression I’ve come to utilize for all of my feelings of hurt and despair. I see the answer before me. I see the lesson and the answer all at the same time. I thank my spirit guides and angels for bequeathing me such easy and clear messages. I thank them for the trust we’ve garnered between ourselves so that when times like these arise I am not hurting in the dark for long.
The lesson is: What’s in a name?
The answer BEing: Absolutely nothing.
I wanted to beleaguer the point about emotional abuse from my Ex’s wife, blind acceptance of that abuse from my Ex among so many other things, but I completely understood what was being shown to me. That my feelings of what I thought was happening to/of/from other people meant nothing. That I needed to LET GO of that which I had no control over and concentrate on that which I did, which is me, my perspective, and my reaction within that perspective. That this whole idea of what I think is happening to my children is all planned and pre-coordinated for exactly the lessons that need to be learned for all souls involved. And that I need to take this time to learn MY lesson and let them learn theirs.
What is in a name after all? Isn’t a name a human construct created to separate all of us? Aren’t labels just markers that cleave us into one thing or another, cutting us off from being anything else? I don’t need names. I don’t need labels. All I need is Love and I know I have that from my children no matter what they call me.
I suddenly start to cry soft sobs of relief and feel the anger/helplessness start to dissipate. With each release of crying breath I felt the expansion of love fill my chest. I cried more over the fulfilling lightness of my heart-space being cared over and loved by the Universe. I felt my spirit team close and cheering me on for the successful breaking of yet another old pattern. One of which I’m usually spitting bullets back and forth, wishing to cause insane amounts of vengeful harm to those who dare to hurt my children. In the end causing more hurt for my precious ones in the long-run rather than showing them the path of righteous and powerful love. After all I am more than just their birth mother, I am their guide in this life to help them hopefully, one day, navigate towards their own awakening. I’m overjoyed and amazed at the utter ease in which I find myself floating through life. Love and answers are just so easy to find now.
Always, always remember, We are One and You are Loved.
Take care, BE Love. ❤