My last six posts, if you’ve been following, were very eye-opening to say the least, life evolving and awe-inspiring to say the most. I’ve learned that with each step one takes in moving forward we take a billion jumps ahead into each potentiality and a billion steps backwards as well. I have come to believe everything is only ever a possibility played out at the exact same time by all aspects of one’s Soul. Everything is only ever a reality to each of those aspects, and THE reality for ALL at the exact same time. You can take what I say with a grain of salt or no, it matters not to my own belief. Once again take anything I say that which only resonates with you and leave the rest for others.
This Knowing has destroyed me and then recreated me. This Knowing has destroyed my world and then recreated it within the blink of an eye and continues to blink from one reality into the next. In the beginning this “shifting of reality” was dizzying and overwhelming, but now I realize I’ve been shifting my whole life, it’s only now I’ve shifted enough that I’m finally aware; aware enough to finally see all of the connections and circumstances of my life as one long lesson of experiencing the human condition and/or duality.
With that said, I can take the entirety of my life and see everything as if someone else lived it. As if they were someone else’s shoes entirely and can now see, plain as day, every intricacy of each happening as if I were an observer. I see/feel the emotions and I recognize them. I am not detached, but I am no longer in their control. I see each event unfold and bolster me into the next and understand now why each and every single traumatic and/or non-traumatic event took place. I feel like I used to when I was child! The feeling is familiar and warm!
It had to happen; it already happened. All of it was planned before we ever got here. All of us agreed to BE this way for each other. I understand that it was all to get us exactly right here, right now; to our eventual current lifetime awakening; to get us to our current awareness and understanding; to help all of us find our love of self once more. I’m remembering all of it now. I’m remembering what I lost and it fills me whole again to Know once more.
Each time I chose to react to life a certain way I would be fed the lesson once more and left on repeat until I finally chose to break open my heart and react with Unconditional Love. Not just for everyone else, although that is a good way to BE, but most importantly for myself. For how can one have any love for ALL if they can’t even have love for one’s self?
This was my main lesson, one of many apparently, and in my learning did I finally feel the overwhelming Love sent from all aspects of my Soul and felt Her wrap around me in joyous welcome to my finally coming Home. For that night when my heart was finally broken open and laid bare to the sacrificial mantle of Oneness did I truly understand what it meant to Love: to Love without boundaries, without conditions, without need for reciprocation, without anything but Love of Self.
I never knew until that moment that all I was ever looking for was my own love. That deeper connection I could never find in others was because I had cut myself off from my own heart; from the feelings that needed to be there and take place in order to FEEL ANYTHING. I had basically emotionally amputated myself from my Soul and She had been reaching back for my reconnection ever since.
The constant anxiety was a message from my Higher Self to “pay attention,” “take heed,” and “notice!” She had been flagging me down for years trying desperately to reconnect, but in my confused and beleaguered state I desperately ignored her to my detriment. One life event after another I would stumble around blind only reacting and never taking a moment to just stop and BE. To understand that life didn’t have to be so hard or so fast. That all of it was in my control to slow it down and envision a better and more fulfilled life for myself. I had that power. I only had to realize it and take it.
The moment I laid down and surrendered myself unto my Higher Power was the moment I finally realized everything and took my power back. With this power came the overflowing Love of Source/God/My Higher Self/Soul, whichever you care to call it. It is all the same.
That night in my room crying disheartened at the loss of so much life lived and so much love lost, was my moment of surrender. It was my fully understood and beaten down moment that no, I couldn’t nor no longer wished to, live my life this way anymore. I understood that I had been doing it the hard way this entire time. I realized the crucial moment when I lost my love of self during the love of another and completely held my self-worth within the reciprocation of that love. This entire time I’ve held my own self-worth within the reciprocation of others and never once allowed myself to see it any other way!
I somehow blamed myself entirely for the failure of my marriage and the loss of my children therefore resulting in cutting myself off from Source. I grew this hardened and bitter shell instead that only reinforced my disconnection and permanently encrusted around my heart sharpened barb-wire ready to slash and electrocute anyone at the mere mention of abandonment and betrayal; ready to turn the tide of giving love to giving hate at a moment’s notice. That was a talent I think most of us have honed well over the lifetimes.
I didn’t tell you this before, but I’ll tell you now. That moment of utter surrender was glorious! I felt such an emptiness of self my whole body felt lighter. I wasn’t empty for long. Oh no, once I had made room the Light of Love started to fill me up and by the time I made it back to my ex-boyfriend I was bursting with it! I couldn’t stem the storm it came out of me so completely and haphazardly! I’m not even sure I made very much sense to my put-upon ex. He just finished a long day of working two jobs then there’s me just in his face blubbering and expressing my expansive love for him! It was a rush of beautiful feeling mixed in with all of the emotions that no longer scared me because I understood their necessity!
There is no such thing as good and bad, positive and negative, old and new (i.e., Duality)! All of it just IS and all of it is so beautifully necessary! This is the human condition we wished to experience as Souls and so we took on these bodies and these lives in order to feel the entire gamut of human existence! It’s only unfortunate that most of us got lost along the way.
The moment I got home I felt resolute and at peace with my actions, which is weird because before, I wouldn’t have done that. Before, when Ego was involved, I would have been too prideful to admit any wrongdoing even though in my heart I knew I erred somewhere. Also, I probably would have no idea where I erred just that I did… again. I loved myself then and there for finally figuring this out! I loved myself and gave so much gratitude and thanks to my Higher Self for helping me with such a peaceful endeavor!
Immediately I could feel Her loving me back. Her love was so strong and uninhibited that I could feel Her love radiating beyond the boundaries of my own body. I was literally vibrating all over that wherever I hovered my hands I could feel the intense frequency of Her love! I laid down in bed and luxuriated in it as a cat would purr as you pet her. I thought the vortex-ual energy of Mother Gaia was amazing… Dear lord, this was absolute bliss! I fell asleep that night wrapped within the loving wings of my Angel.
The next day I started writing this five-part blog series (well technically seven now), because what does a writer do but write in order to make complete sense of their world. I wrote and wrote and wrote…, I couldn’t stop writing. All of it came out of me like I was on another bipolar upswing but without all of the moodiness and disconnectedness that usually partners an episode. I felt clear-headed and focused and the more I wrote the more clarity was imbued in me.
On my final day of writing, when there were no more whispers and no more words to type, I received my message of completion in a repetitive angel number: 27.27, my first number-oriented synchronicity. That was how much my gas cost after filling my tank. I found out later through friends that this meant the end of a phase of my life since 2 + 7 = 9, nine being a completion number. I cried very hard that day and as well expressed so much thanks and gratitude for the process of life and human existence.
I am still in awe and I can’t wait to find out what next this life and the one after has in store for me. ❤
We are all loved. We are all One.