Love and Fear (part V)

I realize the Universe answered all of my prayers and gifted me everything I asked for.  Not only did She gift me everything, but She gifted me right away. I didn’t have to wait too long. Sometimes I would wait a few days, but the answer was always there waiting for me to see it when I was ready and open to receive. I think the answers to all of my heartaches have always been there. I’ve just never been open to receiving them until now; as well, I think I finally started to ask the right questions.

I understand now all of this started when my therapist asked me, back in May of this year, if I was ready to let go of all of my heartaches and past transgressions no matter if I understood why they happened in the first place. No matter if I accepted their occurrence or even forgave the individuals who trespassed against me; although, that would be a good thing to do, but one step at a time.  At that point in my life I was tired of constantly feeling anxious about my bipolarism and whether or not the next anxiety attack would trigger another episode.

I felt I was finally in a very healthy and stable relationship with a man who loved me dearly and I him.  I didn’t want my health issues getting in-between our growing bond. I wanted to gift him a clean slate, expunged of my emotional baggage; after all, that’s how I saw him. He was always so loving and carefree with his love of me and his family. Even if things turned out wrong or difficult he would always try to buckle down and work things through. Yes he had his own anxieties too, but no matter how tight the tunnel of his life seemed to get he would always find a way out or at least continue to see the light at the end.  I loved him so much for that! It was always a breath of fresh air to be with someone who tried to love life as much as I did!

My entire life for the last five years, up until meeting Him, has always been about maintaining a state of calmness; preventing anything too traumatic from happening by limiting my exposure to possible triggering stimuli. My bipolarism has never been a fun ride and the fact that I haven’t had an episode for so long made me very, very nervous. You see, my “fun rides” tend to happen in cycles and I have always felt like I’m just a ticking time bomb, with no clock-face to tell when I’m about to blow-up.  I’m sure you can gather how horribly prison-like and structured I maintained my life; always fearful of stepping outside of the steel-like boundaries I made for myself.

I felt I was mostly successful, despite the continued anxiety. My career flourished enough to a point where I found a home I could afford away from the hustle and bustle of city life. My own home too! Not one I had to share with strangers. The fact that it was my own home allowed me to have my children when they visited, instead of relying on my parents all the time.  I felt more independent and self-sufficient. My self-confidence blossomed and I felt I could do almost anything!  The time just before our relationship was a very enriching and growth-oriented experience; which was probably why, when we finally set our first date, I was very excited and full of apprehension at the same time.

I had a crush on him for too long. His musical abilities and English swagger the first thing to pique my interest. Then his soulful eyes just completely clinched it for me. The absolute earnestness I saw in them every time we caught each other glancing…  It’s still hilarious to me how the both of us were too incredibly shy to say anything to each other.  I’m usually never shy once I understand someone I’m interested in likes me back, but he was different.  He was always different.

We were never formally introduced until a couple of years before our first date, but I always kept an eye out. I was never bold enough to approach him, mostly because I feel that’s too forward even for me, and also because I felt I wasn’t yet emotionally ready. I was still scared a romantic relationship could be the trigger to my bipolar time-bomb. So I watched and I waited. Lol…, I wasn’t some stalker skeeze!  He Facebook friend requested me first so all I had to do was watch his news feed! Yay!

So now it’s practically a year into our formal relationship, all seems to be smooth sailing and progressing along wonderfully. I’m practically shining with Joy and Love at how wonderful our relationship is truly becoming. I wanted to keep it progressing in a forward momentum; fearful that any moment now my “cloud nine” bubble would burst when I wasn’t looking.  I knew what I had to do.

The moment came in May when I formally accepted my next life project of working towards releasing all of my hurts and cutting the cords that have perpetually tied me down to a low vibrational/emotional state.  I made an agreement with my therapist and myself that I would work on this daily through any modality I could find.  The first modality being her and the second being meditation with further study about releasing anxiety and changing the way I self-talk.  She had been studying Access Consciousness, or Access Bars, as well and provided a few sessions with me to help initially break up and release all of my “stuff” and basically give me an energetic jump start.

Boy did that get my rocker rolling!  I believe from that first day I’ve been slowly waking up and realizing just how phenomenally tied down I’ve actually allowed myself to become and, most especially, that it was all of my own choosing.  Once I realized this, it was quite simple to start letting go.  Unfortunately, I didn’t know that taking on this mission was going to end up destroying me first before building me back up again.

I was thinking about all of this during my headlong rush to see Him.  I reached his work in amazing time and I still had to wait about 40 more minutes before his shift was over.  I had a long time to just sit there and think.  I didn’t want to think about our impending conversation and my eventual blubbering breakdown. I knew that was going to happen, but thinking about it just made my anxiety worse; although, I did want to think about how we came to be in our current predicament.

Pretty much all of this was because I asked for it to happen. I asked for my slate to be cleaned in order for my ability to love without fear could be had.  I wished I had done it before dating Him, but I truly understand that it needed to happen while we were together. After all, the feelings wouldn’t have even surfaced unless I was in this specific relationship with HIM.  I understand now that it was his constant love and ability to understand and be compassionate that fostered enough trust between us to even get this far and have me WANT to change.  I love Him so much for gifting me this long lost feeling of TRUST; throughout all of the relationships in my life, HIS was the only one that ever made it this far emotionally.

I understand that the feelings and traumatic emotions needed to happen one more time in order for me to have the opportunity to finally face my fears and then consciously choose to conquer them. I understand this. I just hope with all of my heart and soul He does too and then one day chooses to forgive the pain I caused him and allow me a second chance at our Love.

For I promise You, if you allow yourself the chance for me to shine my Light and Love all over you once more, I will Love you wholeheartedly and completely. I will never hold back and I will never falter. If you allow this and choose me again, our Love will be the Love you’ve dreamed of your entire life. I promise you this.

I love you. Forever and always, from this life and onto the next, no matter what you decide. I will understand that it is your choice to make and one made without rancor or critical judgement, but that you just need to make for you. You will forever be the catalyst in my life that finally allowed me to break free from the shackles of my personal hell.  Your Love did that for me.  So if anything else, I wholeheartedly thank you, from the very bottom of my heart, for the love you gave me and the amazing time we had together.  For that alone, please know, that I will never stop loving you. ❤

We are all loved. We are all One.


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