Love and Fear (part III)

The next day was a completely different story and no matter how much one thinks they are prepared for any type of change or revelation, you never really are.  Especially the type of change you’re actually seeking, yet have no ability to fathom just how much change needs to take place in order to successfully receive and fully integrate into your newer, simpler, and easier way of life.  Also, despite any profound happenings (even if they’re one after another), we still slide right back into our old energy because we haven’t finished learning the lesson.

My patience seems to wear thin, but I’m sure that’s part of the lesson as well. Read on and see for yourself. Take what resonates with you and leave the rest for others.

I took the beginning of a new work week as a symbol of new beginnings and acceptance of an ever changing state of BEing.  It started off normal enough, and I continued with my workday as just another day in my newly accepted singledom.  With each new face I had to confront I wondered about mentioning my new status; pondering upon my hesitancy and not fully understanding why.  Of course I tell myself it’s because it’s none of their business and they’ll find out when their time comes, but I “know” it’s not really for that reason alone; although, I don’t wish to elaborate further (not even to myself).

All day long I continue to process my singledom in the way I normally do, falling into the regular self-talk routine of old energy affirmations that I’m too self-reliant to need a man in my life. I tell myself I’m still young and pretty enough to capture the heart of another quickly then immediately double-back with a feminist quality of arrogance and outrage. Shaking my head at such inner mercurialness, I continue on my day as if all is well.

I even reopened my OKCupid account. Telling myself this would be a good way to put myself out there again. At least to see what’s available and if the pool of personalities has hopefully improved from the last time I was on here. I do a quick search of those currently online and immediately I’m turned off by several profiles. I almost disable my account at once, but remember the last time I started on OKC I had the same problem. I just had to sift through all the junk to find the real ones. There were a few, it just took work and patience. Oh and look, I’ve only been online for ten minutes and I already have over a hundred “Likes” and 20 new messages in my inbox. Even if I can’t find anyone of substance on here I can at least revel in the ego boost. I log off and close my browser satisfied I found what I needed.

The anxiety started to surface again on the drive home from work.  Immediately I was irritated with myself for feeling it. And of course in my irritation I tamped it down, reminding myself that I figured this out yesterday with the fountain, and the message, and whatnot…Hello brain, time to tell the emotions to catch up already! Ugh….these emotions are so annoying.  They need to be done already!

My commute is usually only an hour but for some reason this one seems to take forever.  I keep looking at my phone and everything seems on time so I wonder on the reasoning for why it feels longer than normal.  I almost start thinking about the anxiety I felt earlier and whether or not it meant something and could be related, but then recanted on that train of thought for fear of feeling the partnering emotion again.

Finally home, I say a lengthy goodbye to my carpool and make my way inside. After putting away my things I’m at loss what to do. I look around at my small yet cozy two bedroom home and take my bearings. Everything is clean from yesterday, nothing out of place. I’m not hungry so no need to prep and cook.  I don’t feel like watching anything on Netflix and my brain is too tired from working all day to read right now. And this annoying high pitched ringing in my ears I’ve had all day long just seems to have gotten louder in the silence of my home.  So I open all of my windows and doors for fresh air and natural sounds then lie on the couch and pick up my iPad, determined to level up my lord in one sitting on Clash of Kings, and hopefully drown out the noise in my head.

I’m already bored… It’s only been five minutes and I can’t stand this game anymore. I can’t even remember why I started playing it.  Dropping my iPad in disgust I decide to get ready for bed and take a shower. Yea I know it’s only 7pm but who cares, I’m tired anyway.

Lying in bed and I can’t sleep, just great.  My shower was just as disappointing, which is usually never the case, so I’m doubly-irritated. I hear this small voice inside nudge me to meditate but I’m too tired and moody. I know I haven’t meditated in a while, which is the possible reason behind my current irritableness, but I’m too tired to care. I feel the apathy start to kick in.  And so begins step two in my routine of accepting singledom.  The bleeding out of all emotions to the point of utter carelessness, it’s actually a welcome and familiar feeling.

I turn to my side in response and attempt to sleep once more, but that same small voice nudges me again.  It says to pick up my phone and visit my blog. Initially, I think that’s such a peculiar thing to want to do right now, but whatever, okay. I pick up my phone and open my Word Press app.  I forgot I left it open on my “Realization and Growth” post and before clearing it to check my stats I go ahead and reread it.  I don’t know why.  I usually write to expel the feelings from within me, not to revisit them.  Even though this was one of my more mind-blowing posts and ended well, the initial reason for the post still doesn’t sit well with me.  But the compulsion comes on me hard and I start to read.

To be continued…

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