A Realization and Growth

I’d like to share an experience I had in hopes that my newfound awareness may resonate and/or help any of you in a current and/or past similar experience(s).

My boyfriend and I broke up yesterday. I believe it was due to a love translation hiccup… I don’t know how else to define it… I was basically unsuccessful at showing my love for him in a way he could understand and therefore he felt I no longer loved him. I am deeply saddened by this, but I understand neither of us (or anyone) is to blame.

I understand that his perceptions of love and my ever-expanding definition of that idea are two very different things. I realize while within my process of awakening I somehow lost sight of our connection (the one he recognized) due to my need for an even deeper connection with him (also with everyone and everything); that I was too headstrong to see he was unable to return (through no fault of his own). I’ve learned there was such a need in me and I attempted to reach for fulfillment through him, but I realized too late I should have been trying to reach it through myself first. And all of the frustration of failed attempts at a deeper connection between us resulted in my overwhelming him to a point of his eventual departure.

I didn’t understand what my need looked like to him. I didn’t understand that all he wanted was a simple, three-dimensional, yet whole-hearted love. The one we had before my awakening, which was as much true and perfect in its original form as it could have been in the form I was trying to guide us into. I thought I only wished to expand our love since I am now aware of all the amazing possibilities. I thought if I could just be patient enough and guide him slowly, it would help him get there.

What I was too ignorant to realize or fully integrate was the words so many (even myself!) have repeated over and over again: we are all on our own path. We can only see what we are ready to see when it is time for each of us to see it.  There is no fast-track unless done so by the individual himself. I also didn’t realize that what I thought I was doing, wasn’t really what I was doing. There was so much more going on within me, that I was completely unaware.

I was so distraught at his leaving I ran full-tilt backwards into my old energy. I reacted horribly and lashed out in a very robotic, emotionally detached way. I turned into a completely different person. A person I no longer recognized as me and also lost the control to reign this person and its old energy back in. I was now a passenger within my own mental body. Watching myself reacting in the same ways I did before my awakening. I was at a loss to stop the emotional bullet train that was headed straight into utter destruction. The peculiar thing was, I felt absolutely nothing.

I went an entire night and day in this limbo land of nothingness. Traveling within this body that was no longer mine to control; bearing witness to the emotional atrocities I was creating. The whole time wondering on this peculiar, yet somewhat familiar, feeling of nothingness.  It was like someone vacuum-sucked all of my feelings out of me and left me barren. I was just an empty vessel walking around as if zombified, waiting for my next victim to instinctually lure me this way or that.

Then finally something happened. Something twinkled at me just beyond the hidden cocoon of my trapped psyche. It was so beautiful and familiar I had to reach out towards it and in my reaching I realized this cocoon was in my way, and it was such a flimsy thing. It would be quite simple to reach past it and break the lining that encompassed me [and so I thought, and so I became]. I broke past it with a simple push of thought and that familiar twinkle transformed into this massive tsunami wave of my missing emotions.

Immediately that familiar pull of loss and overwhelming sadness, denial, and heartbreak overtook me and washed me down the mental pike of delusion to full-blown reality. I didn’t know if I was ready. I could’t be. This is too soon. I don’t want to feel so soon again. I was so scared and fearful of my own raging emotions and my possible inability to contain such a torrent. I can’t contain it! I can’t! I have to let it out! [the dam bursts]

My throat constricts [oh no…].  My eyes start to burn [shit!].  I’m still at work! This can’t happen now! I run to the bathroom and lock the door. Just in time too because now I’m falling. Emotionally falling so fast and hard it takes me physically to my knees.  I catch myself with my hands on the floor and take a deep breath because I know I’m about to cry/scream. I cover my mouth to smother the wail as much as possible, but its force is too strong for two small hands to contain.  “It doesn’t matter,” a small voice tells me. “The office is closed, no one is here. Just let it go.” And I nod my now swollen and red face in acknowledgement and let go.

I don’t know how long I’ve been in the bathroom when the flood of emotion reaches what seems like it’s climax of fear-driven and anxiety-ridden tidal wave of engulfing energy. I feel like I’m about to be eaten up alive and spit out as unworthy. I’m scared it will never stop and end up consuming all that is left of me! I cry for help! I can’t do this alone! I don’t want to be alone anymore!  Please don’t let me feel this alone anymore!

I reach out with my Soul to the Heavens above and down to Mother Gaia below and plead for sanctuary! I plead for hope and communion and Oneness! I pray for them to be with me and lend me the strength I need in order to get through this! I pray for my Higher Self to help me find the way to the other side of this living nightmare!  I prayed to anyone that was listening to please make themselves known to me so I no longer feel this crushing loneliness inside!

A small voice says, “breathe,” and I take a breath. It feels so good I take another one and another one.

A small voice says, “slow down, breathe slower,” and I take a deeper and slower breath.

A small voice says, “again,” and I do it again…, and again…, and again…, until I realize I’m no longer crying.

I slowly start to stand and grab some toilet paper to wipe my eyes when I realize my hands are pulsating with energy. They feel like something has trapped my hands against a live electrical wire and they’re about to explode themselves with the force of it.  I stare at my very normal looking hands as if looking hard enough I’ll eventually find the reason behind the feeling.  Moving on instinct I place both my hands on my chest.  Bending my head, I focus on my heart.  I visualize grounding myself with the heart center of Mother Gaia as a big redwood tree with the growth of its roots.  Using this visualized root system I push all of this accumulated energy down and down and down while asking Mother Gaia to take this harsh and explosive energy and transmute it into something glorious.  I do this until the electrical feeling in my hands finally dissipate.

Immediately I feel Her responding in a way I’ve only ever heard of in youtube videos. I’ve felt waves of calm energy overtake me before while meditating but never the “vortex-tual” energy those well versed in their connection with Her have recounted.  I’ve heard mention of this vortex like wave of light energy that descends from the heavens and ascends from Mother Gaia, but never in my life have I ever experienced it’s physical manifestation.  I couldn’t see it but I could definitely feel its circular force. It grew so large it physically moved the core of my body in circular, clockwise motions. I moved with Her flow of energy. I didn’t want to NOT move with Her flow of energy.  It was the most comforting and fulfilling experience I have ever felt.

Once the energy restored and settled itself within me the vortex-like energy subsided to the now familiar slow and calm shallow waves I’ve come to understand as what my energy feels like when I’ve found balance once again.  I took a moment to pray and thank Mother Gaia and my Higher Self for their gracious and immediate help.  I thanked and loved myself for allowing this storm to transgress and trust in its eventual passing. I thanked and loved my boyfriend-who-is-no-longer-my-boyfriend for allowing me this opportunity to grow, heal, and love myself in a time of deeply wounded turmoil.  And I prayed that he would also use this opportunity for growth, healing, and self-love as well.

This experience has taught me that even on the path to enlightenment one can still unexpectedly backstep in the face of a familiar struggle. One only has to remember that this is just a reminder from the Universe that a lesson is still to be learned and an opportunity to lay to rest an old energy that is no longer serving to one’s highest good is at hand. All you need do is take it and let it flow. Understand that it needs to happen and with its destruction is your eventual becoming. I now understand this process and am no longer fearful of my Shadow-self and the emotions she makes me feel. I feel whole again and believe I will no longer mentally run and shut-down my connection with Source in order to hide from my very strong and intimidating feelings of emotions. They are strong and intimidating because I AM strong and intimidating, but I am also gentle and full of love. I AM.

We are all loved. We are all One.

Namaste.