I feel empty
And if I’m going to be perfectly honest, it’s my new favorite feeling.
The word “empty” has such a negative connotation. We know it as the opposite of the word “full” — as if they mean two completely different things. I am learning them as synonyms.
My version of emptiness is expansion. It reaches out its tendrils like a vine in bloom, in search of the sunlight and a foundation to climb. It intertwines gracefully up my walls and over them, spilling into the garden of my soul.
My version of emptiness is trust. It is a warm, comforting embrace of an old friend; a friend I’d neglected for too many years while I flitted desperately from one distraction to the next to fill the void, yet still forgiving me when I came back to reconnect, finally recognizing that everything I needed was within.
Speaking of the void: My version of emptiness is not one, contrary to what past versions of me believed. It is a space, a space that I may occupy with anything of my choosing. It is a place where I am powerful, conscious, and positively glowing with the vibrations of a higher plane.
My version of emptiness is a one-ness. A peaceful communion between my body and my soul, my mind and my heart — all of these holding equal importance, in equal measures talking and listening. Taking and giving.
It is here where I examine fear, desire, heartache, euphoria, anxiety, and the like. I turn these things over gently, curiously, in my hands. I feel their smooth surfaces, or deep grooves, or rough edges. I engage in an open exchange with them:
Why are you here? When did you originate? What can you teach me?
If the answers do not show themselves, there poses no threat. There is only the cosmic mystery of the great unknown, and I hold that, too, in the highest regard. Indeed all the answers have, are, or will be contained in the midst of such a force. All will be revealed in time — and there are also times when no answer is an answer in and of itself — and this mystically obscure, omnipotent efficiency that is completely out of my hands brings me comfort more than fear.
In this emptiness, I am full. I am safe.
In this space, I try softer. I grow stronger.