I’ve always felt like I was going crazy, even way before my bipolarism diagnosis. I could see/feel these things from people, between people, all the time. I never understood why they could never see what seemed so obvious. I was constantly told to “shut up” because I didn’t know what I was talking about, and “you’re crazy kid,” or “there’s no way you can tell that from a person by just looking at them.”
I’ve always believed I WAS crazy just like they said. It wasn’t until I started believing in myself and my own intuition about people, that I was able to “see” and understand what I was “seeing.” That what I “saw” was true and I needed to finally start listening to myself.
What I see is the intricate, in-between language that happens as people communicate with each other. What I see is the raw truth behind each word, subtle facial expressions, words unsaid, and bleeding emotions with each breath. Like waves upon a beach, each one strong and unique; yearning and reaching for the touch of a warm hand, full of love and understanding.
My biggest breakthrough in accepting my sensitivity (in accepting ME)was when I finally stopped worrying about pleasing everyone and wondering how they thought of me. Once I was able to let that go, as something completely out of my control, was I better able to clear out the dirty-mind chatter and pick out my own voice that was muffled underneath it.
I’ve found once you can clarify your inner-voice it makes that outer-sensory much more sensitive to everyone else around you; although, the great part is when done this way (at least for me), I’m better able to shield myself against the outer sensory (or other’s energy, especially if it’s negative) from intruding into my own sense of self and polluting it. It’s like you’ve learned to hone that double-edged sword and dulled down one side for a closer and cleaner cut.
My aura, the energy I have around me all my life, it used to be very thin and fragile because I never nurtured it as I should have. I never paid attention to it and didn’t understand the soft spots and how to keep them strong so no other energies could affect me negatively. Now I’m learning, and being more in tune with my own sensitivities, I’m better able to accentuate the parts I need in order to hear and see better everything around me.
I know it’s hard to not care too much about what people think of you. That one is a hard habit to break. Its kind of socially ingrained in us. Especially for those who were born to nurture others. I think it over-balanced in me, already being a natural nurturer, and then bombarded by everyone in my life telling me to care about others before myself. You can do that, but it needs to be balanced. I already put others before myself naturally, but having it enforced by others creates more anxiety and worry than necessary. Most importantly of all, one must only do this because one WANTS to, not out of some obligatory need, or shame, or guilt; which is unbalanced.
We are socially hammered with the thought that our base needs are wanton, ugly, savage; but what we tend to not understand is we are more often than not very well-intentioned and peaceful at heart. Our base instinct is to survive of course, but we are also social creatures that require others to survive happily. So, your inner-voice should never be seen as vile and selfish. It is you, and you are beautiful. Beauty should always be cherished.
So enjoy and nurture your sensitive side. That inner-voice that whispers something more. That quiet presence which assures you are never alone. And that higher power which connects you with everyone and everything. Trust yourself. I did and I’m happier for doing so.
You are loved.